Instinct
by kylie1206
Summary: Grissom and Sara story, set during Gum Drops, if we pretend the rewrite never happened, and Grissom did indeed go to her hotel room in the night.
1. Chapter 1

Sara's fitful slumber was finally completely broken by a sharp knocking on her hotel room door. She kicked off the sheets she'd reluctantly had cover her body, and swung her legs round to hang off the edge of the bed. It'd taken all of her self restraint to now check out every single inch of the hotel room – starting with the bed – with her ALS before settling down. She knew though, that whilst she was never a good sleeper anyway, that if she saw just what was in the room, she'd definitely not catch a wink of sleep. 

However, the knocking at the door seemed to want to keep her from sleeping too. Letting out a heavy sigh, she pushed herself up from the bed, and padded over to the door. She was wearing a small tank top, and a pair of grey slacks – she looked presentable enough to simply open the door, snap at whoever it was to go away, and collapse back in bed. However, when she opened the door and saw _him_ there, hair ruffled, bags under his eyes, her ability to formulate speech, never mind an insult to drive him away, was temporarily closed down. 

Grissom stared at Sara, and shared a nervous smile with her. He gestured with a slight nod of his head towards his room, and shrugged. 

"Greg snores." He stated simply. 

Sara blinked at him a few times, wondering what the hell that had to do with her. And more importantly, why had he woken her up to inform her of this small fact? 

"And what do you want me to do about it? Shoot him for you?" Sara asked, with a raise of her eyebrows. 

Grissom opened his mouth as if to reply, but finished off on a bum note, and closed his mouth back up, his face wrinkling in thought. 

"I thought perhaps you'd also be awake." And for the first time since taking the walk to her room – which had felt like the longest walk of his life – he allowed himself to take his first proper look at Sara. She looked… adorable. Beautiful. It amazed him just how perfect she could look, in such scruffy attire. With her hair all over the place, and an obvious sleepy look in her eyes, he wanted nothing more than to take her into his arms. Good job he knew their boundaries, and not to cross them. 

"Well, I am now." Sara replied, the words coming out a little harsher than she had first expected them to. 

Grissom winced at her tone of voice, and nodded his head. He gestured towards her room, and lowered his voice, as if scared of being caught outside her door, never mind asking what he was about to. 

"Can I come in?" 

Taken aback, Sara looked at him curiously. What on earth? Had she heard right? She took a step back to give him room to enter her room, and took in a sharp intake of breath as she felt his side brush against her front. Oh, she hoped he wanted to leave soon. Time with Grissom at the best of times was hard on Sara. But when tired, and underdressed in a hotel room… well, too many things were already racing through her mind. 

Grissom took the few steps from her door to her bed, and perched down on the edge of it. For a few moments, he stared up at Sara silently, watching her watch him, as she stood with her arms folded across her chest. He didn't even know why he was there. Sure, Greg did snore, but of all of the people he could have gone to, why did he pick her? He could have woken Catherine or even nobody at all. He could have sat in the room he was sharing with Greg, and continued to plot his revenge on the young man for his snoring. Instead, he found his feet leading before his head, and his hand knocking at her door before he even registered what it was he was doing. 

"So…" Sara started off, before shifting about as she stood. She unfolded her arms before folding them again, and let out a small sigh. "Grissom, it's 3.20am. What about going into Warrick's room? Get him or Nick to switch with you. Boss' prerogative and all that." She finished off her sentence with a shrug, and unfolded her arms again. 

Grissom stared up at her, before patting the bed beside him. Why had he just done that? As she shot him a curious look, and remained pinned to the spot in the middle of the floor, he took a deep breath, and stared down at his hands. God, her stare was going right through him. 

"It's not fair on them to do that." Before Sara could jump in, asking how waking her was fair, he continued; "I apologise for waking you." 

Sara nodded in acceptance of his apology and, despite her better judgement, sat herself down on the bed. She kept a fair distance between the two of them, and pulled her knees up to her chin. 

"It's been a long time since we… talked." Grissom nervously put out there, as he clasped his hands together nervously. Why was he even doing this? He hated talking; he never knew what to say. Especially when it came to Sara. She was his weakness, the one person that he felt totally and completely powerless around. 

Shocked he'd broken the silence with such a statement, Sara simply nodded at first. 

"We never just talk, Grissom. We've not done that in years." Sara replied. It was true. Their last real conversation had been during her first few months in Vegas. But since then, he'd gradually shut her out more and more. Afraid to open up to her, she believed. Though, if anyone would have asked her, she would have freely admitted that she missed their conversations. How easy they were, how they could talk for hours – be it by email, or IM, or even better, over the phone. How she'd talk for hours about the latest case she'd been working on, or latest book she'd purchased. He'd listen intently, and interject with his own opinions on her cases, or her books. They'd found it so easy to share, those years ago. Such a contrast, to now. 

Grissom nodded, and turned his body oh so slightly, so he could face Sara better. He had no idea what he wanted to talk about, or hell, even why he was looking at her like that. 

"I miss our conversations, Sara." Grissom quietly spoke, hoping she could tell how sincere he was with his comment. 

Sara sighed quietly, and released the grip she had on her knees. Relaxing her legs down, dangling them over the edge of the bed, she nodded her head. Well, he seemed genuine. But with Grissom, it was always impossible to tell. How he shut out the emotion from his voice, and said it as though it was a natural thing to say. But really, was it? With the dynamics of their relationship, and the way he kept her at arms length, that kind of comment is i _no /i t_ the kind of natural one she had come to expect from him. 

"I do too, but things have changed, Grissom." Sara met his gaze, and shrugged her shoulders. They had. She loved him more than she ever thought possible, and though she suspected he felt the same, he pushed her away whenever things seemed to be going even half way back to the way they used to be.

Grissom nodded along in agreement. Things had changed. He just couldn't talk to her the same anymore. He felt like a nervous teenager with each conversation. Terrified of doing the wrong thing, but somehow managing to do so almost every time they talked. He had no idea how he did it, and hated that he did. But of course, confessing that to her would be a step too far. 

They sat there in silence for a few minutes, till Sara, shifted in her position on the bed, and let out a heavy sigh. The silence was awful. She always considered herself someone who enjoyed her own company. Who lived for solace, and enjoyed that much more than spending time in someone else's company. However, silence with Grissom was always unbearable. 

"Did you wake me up to just sit on my bed, Grissom?" Sara asked, attempting to break the uncomfortable silence that had overcome them. 

Grissom shifted uncomfortably, and gazed over at Sara. Why had he woken her? Well, he'd woken her, because he'd let instinct take over before his head could, and allowed his body to be led to her door. He wished he had the courage to just do that again right now. His mind was already shutting down on the conversation, putting up the roadblocks that came into place whenever he and Sara were alone. He knew though, that if he let instinct take over, that he'd do something that come morning, would only bring regrets for the pair of them. 

"I didn't, no." He replied evenly, even though he himself was still struggling through his thoughts, trying to work out exactly why he was there. 

"Then why did you?" She replied, the weariness evident in her tone of voice. Why did things have to be so hard with him? Why couldn't he just come out with the answer, instead of playing 20 questions with her? 

Opening his mouth, and then closing it back up, his face again wrinkling up in thought, he took a deep breath. 

"I don't know. I just… ended up here." He offered, hoping that would be a satisfactory answer for now. 

Shaking her head, Sara, pushed herself up from the bed, and folded her arms again. Obviously, it was not.


	2. Chapter 2

"So, because you just ended up at my door, I have to sit up, getting no sleep whatsoever, whilst you have nothing to say to me?" Sara attempted to make her words sound angry, but instead, they came out sounded defeated. He'd always go running to her, but he'd never go the whole hog. She'd always be the one to pick up the pieces, no matter how small, and end up shoved back aside by morning. He wanted company, and she was his choice. But come morning, he'd be back to his distant self, and all she'd have to show for his choice of company would be the large bags under her eyes, and headache brought on by weariness. 

Grissom himself moved up from the bed, and winced at her words. She really didn't want him there. There he went again, making a mistake when trying so hard not to. He genuinely thought she'd be awake, since she hardly ever seemed to sleep. He closed his eyes, and did his best to block out whatever was in his mind. Instinct got him into this mess, in her room, and now, it was up to his instinct to get him out of it. 

Before he could even register what was going on, he found his hand tangled up in Sara's hair, another hand firmly on her waist, holding her against his own body. He could feel her tongue against his own, her own hands on his sides, and he had no idea how the hell it'd come about. He at least had never pictured their first kiss as one he'd ended up doing whilst zoned out. 

Pulling back, breathless, Grissom simply gawked at her, confusion etched across his features. 

Sara's face fell as he pulled away, and instinctively, wrapped her arms around her body. She suddenly felt exposed, open to him. He'd kissed her, and she's welcomed it. She'd gripped his body against hers tightly, and played with the curls at the base of his neck as she held on for dear life. It'd been the most natural thing in the world for her to do, but now, felt like the stupidest thing she'd ever done. 

"Sara, I…" 

"Just go, Grissom. Just go." Sara turned her back to him, and closed her eyes tightly. She could feel the tremors of impending tears start to try to take over, and used up all of her willpower to fight for control. She'd cry; just not with him there. 

Grissom closed his eyes again, trying to work out the correct thing to do, to say. 

"I didn't realise I was… I just…" 

"You kissed me, Grissom. You didn't say a damn word, and you took hold of me like I'm yours to do that to." She answered quietly. Truth was, she always would be his to have; always. 

"You kissed me back." Grissom replied, as he took a tentative step towards Sara. His hands hovered by her sides, as he was unsure of what action to take now. Truth be told, kissing her felt like heaven. The heaven he'd denied himself for so long, that tasted both forbidden, and right. So damn right, that he just couldn't see how really, it was forbidden. 

Sara's shoulders slumped in defeat at his reply, as she steadfast refused to reply to him on that note. She had done, and she knew that as weak as it made her, she would do again, and again. 

Taking a bold step, Grissom rested his hands on her sides. Upon feeling her jump, he moved his hands back away, as if burned. But, just as soon as he removed them, they were back on her sides. 

"Why did you kiss me back?" He asked quietly, leaning in, causing his breath to rush against Sara's neck in a perfect torture. 

She shrugged him off, and turned on her heel, shooting him a hard look. If he was going to do that to her, make a fool of her, then she was going to do her damn best to come off looking half decent in the whole affair. 

"The question you should be asking, and answering, is why did you kiss me, Grissom? I'm not yours to kiss, and I'm not some fucking toy you can play with. Stop screwing with me, Grissom. Stop pushing me away, and then doing _this_ to me. Don't come to my room at 3.20 in the morning, don't talk to me about the past, and i _don't kiss me /i ._" Sara practically cried the last part out, before bowing her head. It was the total opposite to what she really wanted to say to him, but she knew it was the only thing to say, to come away with some dignity. He'd never treat her like she needed, and so she had to do this. 

For a few minutes, which felt like hours to the pair of them, Grissom simply stood there, watching Sara stare down at the floor. Her words had stung him, hurt him, but he knew he deserved them. It was all what he'd wanted to do to her, with her, and he'd always wanted more. He wanted to take her into his strong arms, and kiss away all the years of hurt, self doubt and pain he'd caused her. He wanted to tell her that he'd spent every night of the last 10 years of his life going to bed, wanting her there with him. That every time a call came in about one of their own being hurt, his breath caught for a moment as he feared the worst. God, Nick being kidnapped only months before had torn him apart. Sure, because of the fact it was one of his guys, and the fact that he cares for Nick, but mostly because whenever he allowed his mind to drift back, he could only feel thankful that it was Nick, and not his Sara that had been caught up in such an agonising situation. 

He took a few bold steps towards her, and reached out with shaky hands. It was now or never. He'd made some progress, by kissing her. Now; now he had to do more. As much as it terrified him, he had to kiss those lips again, and just feel having her in his arms. 

Cupping her face softly, he urged her to tilt her head up towards him. Taking a deep breath, he leant in towards her, pausing only inches away from her tender lips. 

"What if I want to kiss you, Sara?" He whispered quietly, his words coming out as shaky as his hands. His own mouth suddenly felt very dry, and his knees felt shaky. If she didn't reply soon, he could only see himself collapsing down in the middle of her room. That'd be a good one to explain to the guys in the morning. 

Eyes wide in shock, Sara stared back at him. His hands felt tender and warm, reassuring and soft against her skin. More moments of silence passed between the two, as a wide range of emotions crossed Grissom's face. Fear, desperation, anxiety. Oh God, she was going to snap at him again, wasn't she? Before he even had a chance to finish that thought, he could hear her words break through the silence. Only just though, as her voice, as shaky as his own just moments ago, was barely above a whisper. 

"Then I'd say, that you better not be doing this to just push me aside again. A kiss with us Grissom, isn't ever going to be just a kiss. And I don't think you're capable of ever making it more." She reached up for his hands, to remove them from her face. However, she was met with resistance, as he refused to remove them. He'd need to think this through in the morning, he knew that. But he also knew that a kiss with them two would never be just a kiss. He didn't want just a kiss. 

"I could be, if you let me try." He blurted out, as his mind wandered over his thoughts. Without giving either of them time to fully process his words, he leant in, and captured her lips in another kiss. Soft and tender, he hoped it would be enough to alley her fears, for now, as well as his own. 

He'd just have to keep going on instinct, as terrifying as that may be, because it seemed the only way to get what he wanted, and to give her what she wanted from him.


End file.
